Observing vs. Experiencing Life
I’ve been thinking today how I don’t really remember what it’s like to feel well- really well, before I got so sick seven months ago and learned I had HPS. I look at pictures dated before July 2006 and it seems like I’m staring at a different person. I’m thankful for all the Lord has accomplished since August. His presence is closer than ever before. I have and continue to grow closer to Christ daily. I’m more thankful for the good, “normal” days. Like Mom, I too am learning to be more grateful.
Still, though, my life has been turned upside down and all around. Sometimes I feel like I’m living life by observation- through the display window, so to speak. Like last night when I observed the snow falling. It was peaceful to watch, but I was only observing, not really experiencing the snow. That is how my life feels at times…. I experience life but through the window glass of observation. I know this is happening, because much of the past seven months seem a blur. Even the Holidays- I can recall some details of the fun everyone had together- but not much. Pictures, more than my mind, help me piece together the events of my life.
I suspect my lack of memory is due mostly to pain medications and chronic sickness. However, it’s a new and sad feeling to have my senses and memory dulled. I wonder if I’ll ever actually experience life again- the kind of living and recalling I did before I got so sick. The kind of experiencing that uses all the senses so intensely that the vivid details stick in memory long after the events are over. I want to live life again! And not merely through observation like some toy in the window, but more like the child outside the window whose bursting with excitement over his purchase. To experience life with all my senses and then to be able to remember what I’ve experienced would be a wonderful dream come true. Perhaps it will happen..perhaps not…but in the meantime, it’s fun to dream.
Comments:
February 13th, 2007 at 10:24 am
Hi, Katy.
You probably don’t know me from Adam (and I mostly know you just from this blog), but I’m your Great Aunt Doris Harriff’s son.
I was struck by your comment: “I wonder if I’ll ever actually experience life again…” I certainly hope so.
It kind of resonates with me, because I have health issues of my own (my heart is weak), and there is so much that I used to do that I can’t do any more, and sometimes I find it hard to remember exactly what it was like. It’s also harder to find things to enjoy that I can do, although I don’t imagine that it’s as difficult for me, because my condition doesn’t involve that much phyical discomfort.
I do miss being able to do hard work, or even moderately hard work. I liked feeling useful. But I can’t change it, so I’ve been getting an education in adapting (perhaps not as gracefully as would be ideal).
That part about dreaming about it also resonates. I have an active imagination and fantasy life. Lately, I’ve been making some use of it by translating some of it into short story writing. I wish I’d started a lot sooner, because I do enjoy it, and my health doesn’t limit it like it does other things. On the other hand, I probably wasn’t really ready to write a decade or so ago.
I can’t offer any prayers because I don’t share your religious faith, but I’ve been folling this blog and you’re fondly in my thoughts.
Sincerely, Cousin Mike
February 15th, 2007 at 1:15 am
Dearest Katy,
I’ve been clicking on those links at the top, but tonight they worked! Grin! I really do know how you feel. Hang on girl! I know it’s been a tough week but there will be better times ahead. There will also probably be flare ups along the way - but there will be better times when you’ll feel much more like your old self. And, you’ll get so you know when those flare ups are coming and you can get on top of them faster. In our family we called it “higher bowel awareness.” Know that you were greatly missed at conference. Everyone really wants to meet you!