"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore." -Psalm 121:1-8
I've been pondering this Psalm all day. It certainly speaks of the protection God had over our household and, specifically, my life this past weekend. As Mom wrote on the Campbell Family Journal website, I had some difficulty adjusting to the tapering of my pain medication. Actually, "some difficulty" is putting it gently. Now that the first taper is "complete," I'm composed enough to talk about it.
Let me back up and say that I usually only take Ativan (and Dilaudid) for extreme pain. Sometimes, I can go several days or an entire week without taking Ativan or Dilaudid. However, over Christmas, when I was having that extreme abdominal and pancreatic pain, I had to take Ativan and Dilaudid on a regular basis. This is how I became addicted to them.
Now, back to this weekend. Ativan, by its very nature, can cause psychological and physical dependency. It's highly addictive, so just a few days of constant use can cause total dependency. Thus, tapering of such a medication can cause serious withdrawal symptoms that effect every part of the body, including mental and emotional. Well, I am not immune to experiencing these symptoms and that was definitely obvious this past weekend. Without going into too much detail, every part of my body- from personality, mental reasoning to physical- was extremely affected. And my family not only had to live with me, but also try to help me, while my body adjusted to the taper! I felt this first Ativan taper more keenly, because (1) I wanted to increase the taper schedule, due to upcoming events and my college studies and (2) because of my absorptions issues related to HPS.
I told Mom today that I do not know why the Lord had me experience the withdrawal symptoms, but I'm thankful I do not live that way everyday. I'm also grateful I did not develop this Ativan dependency until now. Based on this past weekend's events, I can honestly state that I truly understand why some people would use illegal means to get more pain medication, (just so they wouldn't have to experience the withdrawal symptoms), especially if these people do not have a relationship with the Lord or a supportive family. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose," thus God had reasons for having our family experience what we did this weekend. Maybe someday I will have an opportunity to reach out to children or adults with what I've experienced this past weekend. Maybe you're reading this post even now and realize for the first time that it is possible to overcome addictions. However, I will tell you first-hand that you cannot do it alone or in your own strength and will-power. You can not even do it overnight or in a few days. It takes weeks, months, years, and sometimes an entire life- depending on the addiction. It also takes submitting (humbling) yourself to the Lord and others.
In the future, I am going to take the Ativan taper more slowly. With the new schedule, I should be complete with the taper by early March. Each taper will begin on Friday afternoon, thus giving me the "weekend" to recover. Everyday, though, I do feel the withdrawal symptoms on a mild level. For example, today I just didn't have energy or the ability to concentrate for most of the day. Thus, I ask for prayer. I need prayer to be patient, as well as continued prayer of protection, clarity of mind, and physical strength. I also ask that you pray for my family, as they assist me with this process. Thank you!
I've been pondering this Psalm all day. It certainly speaks of the protection God had over our household and, specifically, my life this past weekend. As Mom wrote on the Campbell Family Journal website, I had some difficulty adjusting to the tapering of my pain medication. Actually, "some difficulty" is putting it gently. Now that the first taper is "complete," I'm composed enough to talk about it.
Let me back up and say that I usually only take Ativan (and Dilaudid) for extreme pain. Sometimes, I can go several days or an entire week without taking Ativan or Dilaudid. However, over Christmas, when I was having that extreme abdominal and pancreatic pain, I had to take Ativan and Dilaudid on a regular basis. This is how I became addicted to them.
Now, back to this weekend. Ativan, by its very nature, can cause psychological and physical dependency. It's highly addictive, so just a few days of constant use can cause total dependency. Thus, tapering of such a medication can cause serious withdrawal symptoms that effect every part of the body, including mental and emotional. Well, I am not immune to experiencing these symptoms and that was definitely obvious this past weekend. Without going into too much detail, every part of my body- from personality, mental reasoning to physical- was extremely affected. And my family not only had to live with me, but also try to help me, while my body adjusted to the taper! I felt this first Ativan taper more keenly, because (1) I wanted to increase the taper schedule, due to upcoming events and my college studies and (2) because of my absorptions issues related to HPS.
I told Mom today that I do not know why the Lord had me experience the withdrawal symptoms, but I'm thankful I do not live that way everyday. I'm also grateful I did not develop this Ativan dependency until now. Based on this past weekend's events, I can honestly state that I truly understand why some people would use illegal means to get more pain medication, (just so they wouldn't have to experience the withdrawal symptoms), especially if these people do not have a relationship with the Lord or a supportive family. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose," thus God had reasons for having our family experience what we did this weekend. Maybe someday I will have an opportunity to reach out to children or adults with what I've experienced this past weekend. Maybe you're reading this post even now and realize for the first time that it is possible to overcome addictions. However, I will tell you first-hand that you cannot do it alone or in your own strength and will-power. You can not even do it overnight or in a few days. It takes weeks, months, years, and sometimes an entire life- depending on the addiction. It also takes submitting (humbling) yourself to the Lord and others.
In the future, I am going to take the Ativan taper more slowly. With the new schedule, I should be complete with the taper by early March. Each taper will begin on Friday afternoon, thus giving me the "weekend" to recover. Everyday, though, I do feel the withdrawal symptoms on a mild level. For example, today I just didn't have energy or the ability to concentrate for most of the day. Thus, I ask for prayer. I need prayer to be patient, as well as continued prayer of protection, clarity of mind, and physical strength. I also ask that you pray for my family, as they assist me with this process. Thank you!
Kathryn,
ReplyDeleteThank you for openly sharing this drug dependency with the world. I am praying for patience, both yours & your family's, as you work through withdrawal.
Trisha
Kathryn, dear, I just discovered your Keepsakes with the note on the Campbell Journal tonight. Guess I've been asleep at the post. The Lord seems to be giving you so many struggles - and this last one is one that so many can identify with. I pray that He will help you have a clear enough mind to work on your classes day by day, as you cope with the struggle to get off the addictive pain medicine. It is painful just to see, long distance, a little of what you go through. May the Lord's love just snuggle you up to Him whenever you've had a bad time, and give you strength and patience and hope - qavah! for each day. Love, Aunt Lil
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